Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 5

The following is the conclusion to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction, here for part 1, here for part 2, here for part 3, or here for part 4.

When I returned to church the first time, I knew there was something that was going to draw me in again. The second time my interest grew stronger. The third time, I saw a revelation: I had always known who I was. The explanation for having never become a "member" of a group was simple--none of the things I found there could define me. There was something different about me in those days which became apparent to me entering the doors of my church so many years later. God defined me.

It was when I left Him that things made no sense.

Growing up, I always felt like I was headed in the right direction, but never seemed to get closer to God, so turning my back on Him seemed to be the right thing to do. I had to find the "reset button" as my new friend, Dave, put it as we talked for some time. I had been offered everything the system had to give in terms of Christianity, but never found a true relationship. Commitment without relationship is worse than anything else you have ever endured.

Even now I feel like I was meant to leave God's side. I needed to leave my childhood behind and start a journey of my own. The truth is that now, I see more clearly than ever before and I have pure focus. Now I can stand up and live my life with faith above all other acts. I wouldn't give up the last year for the world because those moments helped me to find who I really am.

I am God's chosen vessel.

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Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 4

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction, here for part 1, here for part 2, or here for part 3.

In the end of August, I moved away from New Mexico--where I had lived for the last year. My sister and I had held many a conversation about spirituality and its relevance. The same could be said about my best friend there, Keith Baugh. Only we talked much about philosophy and psychology as well. After awhile, those things deteriorate the ability to believe in anything metaphysical such as a deity. This brought me to the days when I would suggest to myself that my love for God was all summoned... That it was all a lie. I was convinced that any experience I had in the church was an act.

So I left New Mexico in a new state of mind: I was going to leave the faith.

I figured that I had nothing to believe in simply because everything I could possibly believe in or about God could be explained away with science. Or even that those who defended the belief did nothing but leave it up to "faith". Statements like "I know just because I know" or "You haven't FELT God like I have" seem to hold no water with me. So I proposed that I would live my life without God. Two months later, I began shuffling into my old church out of curiosity, but left with a new point of view: it was time for me to find who I was once and for all.

Come back on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 to find out what's next.

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Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 3

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction or here for part 1 or here for part 2.

I was raised in a strictly conservative household. I remember thinking that Bill Clinton was the next worst thing to the anti-Christ. I remember going to a rally for Bob Dole in what must have been late 1996 even. So when I suggested to my family mid-way through last year I would be voting Democratic, it was no surprise that I didn't get the world's most welcoming reception.

I had begun to think for myself. I didn't want anything to do with anyone training me to feel or think in any particular way. So I adopted the method of researching things I knew nothing about. It turns out that most of us have a pretty skewed vision of the world. I learned all I could about what was going on. But the hunger to be liberated politically was quickly replaced.

I no longer had use for the faith of my fathers. I still believed it wholeheartedly, but began to acknowledge to myself that each faith and practice is flawed. My quest at this time was to examine the flaws of the things I was taught as a child.

To start out, it was things that were trivial. Things like language. I hypothesized that if God was there listening to the words coming out of my mouth, he had a lot bigger things to deal with than whether I said something was badass or had a couple beers after work. I just felt and to this day feel that those things are unimportant in the big picture.

For what I would say was about a year, I was in limbo with my faith, progressively moving from one theory to the next. But when August rolled around, I finally decided that I had no reason to believe any of what was instilled in me from such a young age.

Part 4 available Saturday, November 7th, 2009.

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Serving.

There's more glory to be seen and savored through suffering

Than ever was through self-serving escape.

Self-sacrifice is easily the most important virtue a Christ-follower can possess. In its true form, self-sacrifice and love coexist. Love was commanded by Christ. Everyone seems to know the verse "...and the greatest of these is love." Right? But here's an interesting story I learned about on Wednesday evening: the story of James and John.

So one day, these two guys walk up to Jesus and they say, "Teacher... We want you to do something for us." Jesus, of course, responds with, "*Sigh* I'll see what I can do. What is it?" Turns out they asked him if they could be his second and third in command in the Kingdom of God. It's like HOLY CRAPOLA! WHO DOES THAT???

Jesus comes back with a response that is both wise and beautiful. He answers:

"You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."

 Essentially, he's saying, "Look, guys. I appreciate your question. But the truth is that in your heart and in the Kingdom, things work differently than they do in governments and societies on Earth. Before you can hold position under me or truly be called great, you have to humble yourself below all the people you meet. Do all that you can to be selfless and caring toward everyone you meet. Then you will gain favor with me and among men."

I find this really intriguing, simply because almost no one follows this command. Although Christ told us to do it, even the best Christians struggle to serve everyone they meet.

My question to you is: Do you do everything you can to serve others? Is it particularly hard for you? Easy?

lyrics by the classic crime, supplied by metrolyrics

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 1

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here to read the introduction.

One thing that we all are subjected to is education. We each make our way through to high school and beyond. School is a great and terrible place--it gives us some of the most vivid memories of our lives, but also subjects us to an abundance of peer pressure. I never felt the push that most do to fit into a particular group. The thought of this recently got me to reflecting and asking myself why...

This can be attributed to two things. Either an oblivious nature or an effort to remain a non-conformist.

When I say "oblivious," I mean that perhaps I fit into a group without realizing it. Maybe I was a nerdy kid. Maybe I fit in with the Christian group. Maybe I was one of the outcasts. This is unlikely, however, as I had befriended most of the people in the school. Most of my closest friends, in fact, weren't even friends with each other.

The other option, of course, is that I had some sort of innate ability to avoid following the crowd. I suppose it is possible that I had no desire to do as my peers were doing in fear that my life would become  a mere attempt at fitting in.

The truth is that both of these are valid speculations. I suspect that both are true to a point. I may have been grouped with the Christian kids, but in truth, I never had a need to fit in with that group either. Somehow, I think there is a missing piece to this puzzle... The picture just doesn't look quite complete.

Follow closely. Part two will be available Saturday, October 24th.

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Note to Self: Who Am I? intro

The following is the introduction to a multi-part blog entry. Please check back regularly for updates.

All my life I've been searching for something,

Something never comes never leads to nothing,

Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close...

Life is a new experience for each of us. You may think this is a stretch, but I feel differently. Every moment in each person's life is liminal; from second to second, nothing will ever be the same. The only true continuity between all our lives is this: the journey lasts our whole life through and is both personal and spiritual. The purpose of this journey is quite clear to me. We are all going through things of varying degrees of pain, happiness and neutrality to help us better answer the question, "Who am I?"

I am finally on the brink of adequately answering this question for myself. I have made it twenty-two years before such an answer was possible, but I feel each life experience--each heartbreak and each celebration--has brought me closer to understanding who, how and why I was made to be.

Through the next several entries, beginning Wednesday October 21st, you can read along as I explore my journey through rant, confession and revelation.

...Closer to the prize at the end of the rope.

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