I'm all about:

-Hanging out [with you].
-Talking [with you].
-Flirting [with you].
-Giving you too much information.
-Dancing [with you].
-Sharing [with you].
-Laughing [with you].
-Being [with you].

OK - Mute Math

Down on my knees down on my face
You just say it's ok
So many days I've thrown away
You just say it's ok
I don't think I could ever repay
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

It's ok, It's ok
It's ok, It's ok
You've become my embrace
Just tell me it's ok

Your precious words intoxicate
A heart that aches; it's ok
You don't recall my past mistakes
You just say it's ok
The human mind can't calculate
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

Even though you've seen a thousand times
I've let you down
You're always there if I should call your name
You're unashamed, unashamed 

Nevada Pre-Order Chaos

Joshua "Josh Dies" Porter is the lead vocalist of my favorite band, Showbread. He is a bit of a renaissance man in the larger picture, though. His talents include writing musical genius, design and fiction writing. He has written two novels and a children's book entitled The Spinal Cord Perception, Nevada and The Insect, respectively.

In 2006, I had the privilege of reading Josh's first book, The Spinal Cord Perception. It was a thought-provoking and dark journey through the eyes of a broke substitute teacher. Ever since I finished it, I have awaited a new release from Josh. When I heard the news that Nevada would be released toward the end of November this year, I knew right away I had to order it as soon as possible.



The book was originally only expected as a paperback edition, but soon after the announcement of Nevada's release, fans were made aware of a limited edition of the novel. It was said to be only printed in one run of 50 hardcover copies, hand numbered and signed by the author for fifty dollars.

As soon as the announcement was made, the internet was rife with buzz about the deluxe edition. I had planned from the beginning on gladly offering up my fifty bones for a copy (mostly for those coveted 1-50 numbers). As a Showbread fan, I knew that the numbers would, in effect, give me status or bragging rights in the Bread Head community.

Josh told the world on Wednesday, November 18th that pre-orders would be made available the next day. A fellow fan and friend of mine, Sir Jeremy Waterman, was utterly disappointed by his obligation to previously planned appointments, scheduled for that day. Through the course of that Wednesday evening, I convinced myself to be the good friend and offer to order the super-special edition for him since he was going to be busy. He accepted and appeared to be totally stoked.

When I made the decision to make this pre-order happen for the two of us, I felt the need to order a copy for Jeremy prior to my own purchase simply out of what I considered to be good friendship. This way, if something happened and one of us didn't get the book, I would end up the one without a copy and not my friend.

As it turns out, Josh grossly underestimated the interest in his hardcover edition and the books oversold in about five minutes. The good news was that I made it through both transactions safe and sound. Just a few minutes later, however, I was notified via email that my order had been refunded. Here was the message:

"We are terribly sorry to inform you that the NEVADA LIMITED EDITION BUNDLE has sold out before your order was processed. please accept a full refund and visit showbread.net to read about an offer as a token of our apology."

The first thing I thought to do was check to see if Jeremy's order had received the same refund. After several times refreshing his account... Nothing. Sooner or later, I came to a hard realization:

Jeremy got the hardcover, hand-numbered, author-signed limited edition and I didn't.

I was crushed for a moment in time. Honestly, my body was filled with every sort of emotion one could be filled with. Sadness, anger, frustration, relief, happiness, laughter, madness. It was all there in some form. I thought to myself "How could this happen to me? I'm not supposed to be the one who loses out on these things..."

I gave myself time of reflection. Did I really need to spend my spare cash on a super-extra-special edition of the book? No. Would I be any more of a fan if I had one of the numbers inside the cover? No. Would I enjoy the standard edition just as much as the fancy copy? Yes.

Could I learn something from my experience? Yes.

The Holy Spirit had been with me that whole time, teaching me a lesson that needed to be learned. From Jeremy going out of town to me offering to order in his stead. From the impression I had earlier that day to order his first to the swift sale of the novels. It was all done for a reason and I'm here to tell you why.

Selflessness.

I had been given every opportunity to give the gift of selfishness to myself from the get go. The human instinct is to do for self first and for others second, but I felt a strange desire to do the opposite that night. Although Josh's book is hardly valuable to most, The Holy Spirit was teaching me that none of the things I thought were important really mattered in the grand scheme--that it was all orchestrated for me to learn the value of humility and self-sacrifice.

Through all the frustration, it was a lesson I very much appreciate even now as I'm writing this entry. Christ has called us to endure and to put others' best interests before our own. Don't forget... That's exactly what he did when he was beaten and killed for us.

At that, I will leave you with this:

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:40

CJ

Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving [ENFP]

This is the result of my Myers-Briggs personality test and it is insane how legit it is. I will highlight parts for those of you who don't want to read the whole thing, but just the important parts. The last paragraph is especially important. Sorry for length.

-----

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

A "Special" Music Review

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 5

The following is the conclusion to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction, here for part 1, here for part 2, here for part 3, or here for part 4.

When I returned to church the first time, I knew there was something that was going to draw me in again. The second time my interest grew stronger. The third time, I saw a revelation: I had always known who I was. The explanation for having never become a "member" of a group was simple--none of the things I found there could define me. There was something different about me in those days which became apparent to me entering the doors of my church so many years later. God defined me.

It was when I left Him that things made no sense.

Growing up, I always felt like I was headed in the right direction, but never seemed to get closer to God, so turning my back on Him seemed to be the right thing to do. I had to find the "reset button" as my new friend, Dave, put it as we talked for some time. I had been offered everything the system had to give in terms of Christianity, but never found a true relationship. Commitment without relationship is worse than anything else you have ever endured.

Even now I feel like I was meant to leave God's side. I needed to leave my childhood behind and start a journey of my own. The truth is that now, I see more clearly than ever before and I have pure focus. Now I can stand up and live my life with faith above all other acts. I wouldn't give up the last year for the world because those moments helped me to find who I really am.

I am God's chosen vessel.

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This.

I went to take a nap at 6:30 PM and didn't get up til 6 AM. Good one. Sorry to anyone who expected my latest blog to go up...

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 4

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction, here for part 1, here for part 2, or here for part 3.

In the end of August, I moved away from New Mexico--where I had lived for the last year. My sister and I had held many a conversation about spirituality and its relevance. The same could be said about my best friend there, Keith Baugh. Only we talked much about philosophy and psychology as well. After awhile, those things deteriorate the ability to believe in anything metaphysical such as a deity. This brought me to the days when I would suggest to myself that my love for God was all summoned... That it was all a lie. I was convinced that any experience I had in the church was an act.

So I left New Mexico in a new state of mind: I was going to leave the faith.

I figured that I had nothing to believe in simply because everything I could possibly believe in or about God could be explained away with science. Or even that those who defended the belief did nothing but leave it up to "faith". Statements like "I know just because I know" or "You haven't FELT God like I have" seem to hold no water with me. So I proposed that I would live my life without God. Two months later, I began shuffling into my old church out of curiosity, but left with a new point of view: it was time for me to find who I was once and for all.

Come back on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 to find out what's next.

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Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 3

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction or here for part 1 or here for part 2.

I was raised in a strictly conservative household. I remember thinking that Bill Clinton was the next worst thing to the anti-Christ. I remember going to a rally for Bob Dole in what must have been late 1996 even. So when I suggested to my family mid-way through last year I would be voting Democratic, it was no surprise that I didn't get the world's most welcoming reception.

I had begun to think for myself. I didn't want anything to do with anyone training me to feel or think in any particular way. So I adopted the method of researching things I knew nothing about. It turns out that most of us have a pretty skewed vision of the world. I learned all I could about what was going on. But the hunger to be liberated politically was quickly replaced.

I no longer had use for the faith of my fathers. I still believed it wholeheartedly, but began to acknowledge to myself that each faith and practice is flawed. My quest at this time was to examine the flaws of the things I was taught as a child.

To start out, it was things that were trivial. Things like language. I hypothesized that if God was there listening to the words coming out of my mouth, he had a lot bigger things to deal with than whether I said something was badass or had a couple beers after work. I just felt and to this day feel that those things are unimportant in the big picture.

For what I would say was about a year, I was in limbo with my faith, progressively moving from one theory to the next. But when August rolled around, I finally decided that I had no reason to believe any of what was instilled in me from such a young age.

Part 4 available Saturday, November 7th, 2009.

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