Anticipation and Introspection

Today I spoke with a good friend of mine about things I have pent up inside of me. I'm all alone in the world with no one to share everything with. It was incredible to share some of my most introspective thoughts and walk away feeling unjudged.

When I sat adjacent to my confidant, I unloaded about my feelings toward faith. "Things are so incredibly boring" I said. His response was something I hadn't considered: it is not with faith that I hold my discontent, but life as a whole.

My existence has come to be less than satisfactory to the world. Truthfully, I don't assume my life makes a bit of difference to anyone (outside the obligatory family influence). Not that I feel worthless; I have a future and I know that. Right now, I feel like I have failed the world.

No job. No car. No license. No money. No education. No connections. Nothing.

But I am who I am.

After the conversation, I began to contemplate areas of my life that bore me.

-Faith

-Home

-Relationships

-Forum

And the list goes on. The things that I have bore me. It's the things that lie out of reach that would prove to be more exciting.

-School

-Work

-My acoustic guitars

Now you might be thinking "Well, Cory... We all have things we want and can't have." That is true, but right now my life is full of nothing, essentially. I've decided what it is I need to change.

Well... Sort of.

Basically, my life just needs a shake-up. Something interesting. Something I can wake up thinking about each day.

So, I will continue to mould my future through servitude at Westwinds. I plan on getting my hands into as many things as I can in hopes of maybe learning something. It could be good. Even more long-term, though, I have a very high interest level in joining Americorps.

During the year of service in Americorps, I would make dirt money for my many months of servitude. The good news is that it would continue to hone in on my nature to help people. Not to mention the level of networking an experience like that provides.

There are several states in which I could serve. Americorps pays for travel and no car is needed. It's pretty rad, actually. And, as an added bonus, it would help me pay my phone bill! Not that it makes a huge difference.

So, that's my life in a nut-shell. I'm looking to make some huge changes in my life. Who knows how it will turn out? Maybe life will bore me no matter the circumstances. But chances are that it jump-starts a new era in my life!

Thanks for reading.

Cory

P.S. I'm thinking about writing a novella.

Nevada Pre-Order Chaos

Joshua "Josh Dies" Porter is the lead vocalist of my favorite band, Showbread. He is a bit of a renaissance man in the larger picture, though. His talents include writing musical genius, design and fiction writing. He has written two novels and a children's book entitled The Spinal Cord Perception, Nevada and The Insect, respectively.

In 2006, I had the privilege of reading Josh's first book, The Spinal Cord Perception. It was a thought-provoking and dark journey through the eyes of a broke substitute teacher. Ever since I finished it, I have awaited a new release from Josh. When I heard the news that Nevada would be released toward the end of November this year, I knew right away I had to order it as soon as possible.



The book was originally only expected as a paperback edition, but soon after the announcement of Nevada's release, fans were made aware of a limited edition of the novel. It was said to be only printed in one run of 50 hardcover copies, hand numbered and signed by the author for fifty dollars.

As soon as the announcement was made, the internet was rife with buzz about the deluxe edition. I had planned from the beginning on gladly offering up my fifty bones for a copy (mostly for those coveted 1-50 numbers). As a Showbread fan, I knew that the numbers would, in effect, give me status or bragging rights in the Bread Head community.

Josh told the world on Wednesday, November 18th that pre-orders would be made available the next day. A fellow fan and friend of mine, Sir Jeremy Waterman, was utterly disappointed by his obligation to previously planned appointments, scheduled for that day. Through the course of that Wednesday evening, I convinced myself to be the good friend and offer to order the super-special edition for him since he was going to be busy. He accepted and appeared to be totally stoked.

When I made the decision to make this pre-order happen for the two of us, I felt the need to order a copy for Jeremy prior to my own purchase simply out of what I considered to be good friendship. This way, if something happened and one of us didn't get the book, I would end up the one without a copy and not my friend.

As it turns out, Josh grossly underestimated the interest in his hardcover edition and the books oversold in about five minutes. The good news was that I made it through both transactions safe and sound. Just a few minutes later, however, I was notified via email that my order had been refunded. Here was the message:

"We are terribly sorry to inform you that the NEVADA LIMITED EDITION BUNDLE has sold out before your order was processed. please accept a full refund and visit showbread.net to read about an offer as a token of our apology."

The first thing I thought to do was check to see if Jeremy's order had received the same refund. After several times refreshing his account... Nothing. Sooner or later, I came to a hard realization:

Jeremy got the hardcover, hand-numbered, author-signed limited edition and I didn't.

I was crushed for a moment in time. Honestly, my body was filled with every sort of emotion one could be filled with. Sadness, anger, frustration, relief, happiness, laughter, madness. It was all there in some form. I thought to myself "How could this happen to me? I'm not supposed to be the one who loses out on these things..."

I gave myself time of reflection. Did I really need to spend my spare cash on a super-extra-special edition of the book? No. Would I be any more of a fan if I had one of the numbers inside the cover? No. Would I enjoy the standard edition just as much as the fancy copy? Yes.

Could I learn something from my experience? Yes.

The Holy Spirit had been with me that whole time, teaching me a lesson that needed to be learned. From Jeremy going out of town to me offering to order in his stead. From the impression I had earlier that day to order his first to the swift sale of the novels. It was all done for a reason and I'm here to tell you why.

Selflessness.

I had been given every opportunity to give the gift of selfishness to myself from the get go. The human instinct is to do for self first and for others second, but I felt a strange desire to do the opposite that night. Although Josh's book is hardly valuable to most, The Holy Spirit was teaching me that none of the things I thought were important really mattered in the grand scheme--that it was all orchestrated for me to learn the value of humility and self-sacrifice.

Through all the frustration, it was a lesson I very much appreciate even now as I'm writing this entry. Christ has called us to endure and to put others' best interests before our own. Don't forget... That's exactly what he did when he was beaten and killed for us.

At that, I will leave you with this:

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:40

CJ

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 5

The following is the conclusion to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction, here for part 1, here for part 2, here for part 3, or here for part 4.

When I returned to church the first time, I knew there was something that was going to draw me in again. The second time my interest grew stronger. The third time, I saw a revelation: I had always known who I was. The explanation for having never become a "member" of a group was simple--none of the things I found there could define me. There was something different about me in those days which became apparent to me entering the doors of my church so many years later. God defined me.

It was when I left Him that things made no sense.

Growing up, I always felt like I was headed in the right direction, but never seemed to get closer to God, so turning my back on Him seemed to be the right thing to do. I had to find the "reset button" as my new friend, Dave, put it as we talked for some time. I had been offered everything the system had to give in terms of Christianity, but never found a true relationship. Commitment without relationship is worse than anything else you have ever endured.

Even now I feel like I was meant to leave God's side. I needed to leave my childhood behind and start a journey of my own. The truth is that now, I see more clearly than ever before and I have pure focus. Now I can stand up and live my life with faith above all other acts. I wouldn't give up the last year for the world because those moments helped me to find who I really am.

I am God's chosen vessel.

Visit ...The Paper Bag blog

Subscribe to Cory's thoughts

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 4

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction, here for part 1, here for part 2, or here for part 3.

In the end of August, I moved away from New Mexico--where I had lived for the last year. My sister and I had held many a conversation about spirituality and its relevance. The same could be said about my best friend there, Keith Baugh. Only we talked much about philosophy and psychology as well. After awhile, those things deteriorate the ability to believe in anything metaphysical such as a deity. This brought me to the days when I would suggest to myself that my love for God was all summoned... That it was all a lie. I was convinced that any experience I had in the church was an act.

So I left New Mexico in a new state of mind: I was going to leave the faith.

I figured that I had nothing to believe in simply because everything I could possibly believe in or about God could be explained away with science. Or even that those who defended the belief did nothing but leave it up to "faith". Statements like "I know just because I know" or "You haven't FELT God like I have" seem to hold no water with me. So I proposed that I would live my life without God. Two months later, I began shuffling into my old church out of curiosity, but left with a new point of view: it was time for me to find who I was once and for all.

Come back on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 to find out what's next.

Visit ...The Paper Bag blog

Subscribe to Cory's thoughts

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 3

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction or here for part 1 or here for part 2.

I was raised in a strictly conservative household. I remember thinking that Bill Clinton was the next worst thing to the anti-Christ. I remember going to a rally for Bob Dole in what must have been late 1996 even. So when I suggested to my family mid-way through last year I would be voting Democratic, it was no surprise that I didn't get the world's most welcoming reception.

I had begun to think for myself. I didn't want anything to do with anyone training me to feel or think in any particular way. So I adopted the method of researching things I knew nothing about. It turns out that most of us have a pretty skewed vision of the world. I learned all I could about what was going on. But the hunger to be liberated politically was quickly replaced.

I no longer had use for the faith of my fathers. I still believed it wholeheartedly, but began to acknowledge to myself that each faith and practice is flawed. My quest at this time was to examine the flaws of the things I was taught as a child.

To start out, it was things that were trivial. Things like language. I hypothesized that if God was there listening to the words coming out of my mouth, he had a lot bigger things to deal with than whether I said something was badass or had a couple beers after work. I just felt and to this day feel that those things are unimportant in the big picture.

For what I would say was about a year, I was in limbo with my faith, progressively moving from one theory to the next. But when August rolled around, I finally decided that I had no reason to believe any of what was instilled in me from such a young age.

Part 4 available Saturday, November 7th, 2009.

Visit ...The Paper Bag blog

Subscribe to Cory's thoughts

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 2

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here for the introduction or here for part 1.

As of late, I have been following my own path. I had decided that I was to let no one make my thoughts for me. This is a very difficult thing to decide. It begins with a story.

I spent my whole childhood doing and believing what I was told. "I was raised in church. Therefore, I am a Christian." This is just one of the things I identified with growing up. And of course, I was the kid who played the Christian game perfectly. Stand when it's time... Cry when it's time... Sing in the choir... Never speak my disapproval. I suppose I thought that to question authority or teaching was to be completely insubordinate. That was wrong of me and created a byproduct: a lack of anything learned first-hand.

So, I knew everything about my faith simply based on what I had been told. I almost never read the Bible, but professed to know it well. This brought me to question my moral and political upbringing. It all seemed so simulated. At the moment when I realized this, I began to step into a bigger, more informed world. The world of liberation.

Keep a close eye on The Paper Bag blog for new entries. A new installment of "Note to Self: Who Am I?" will be available Tuesday, October 27, 2009.

Visit ...The Paper Bag blog

Subscribe to Cory's thoughts

Serving.

There's more glory to be seen and savored through suffering

Than ever was through self-serving escape.

Self-sacrifice is easily the most important virtue a Christ-follower can possess. In its true form, self-sacrifice and love coexist. Love was commanded by Christ. Everyone seems to know the verse "...and the greatest of these is love." Right? But here's an interesting story I learned about on Wednesday evening: the story of James and John.

So one day, these two guys walk up to Jesus and they say, "Teacher... We want you to do something for us." Jesus, of course, responds with, "*Sigh* I'll see what I can do. What is it?" Turns out they asked him if they could be his second and third in command in the Kingdom of God. It's like HOLY CRAPOLA! WHO DOES THAT???

Jesus comes back with a response that is both wise and beautiful. He answers:

"You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all."

 Essentially, he's saying, "Look, guys. I appreciate your question. But the truth is that in your heart and in the Kingdom, things work differently than they do in governments and societies on Earth. Before you can hold position under me or truly be called great, you have to humble yourself below all the people you meet. Do all that you can to be selfless and caring toward everyone you meet. Then you will gain favor with me and among men."

I find this really intriguing, simply because almost no one follows this command. Although Christ told us to do it, even the best Christians struggle to serve everyone they meet.

My question to you is: Do you do everything you can to serve others? Is it particularly hard for you? Easy?

lyrics by the classic crime, supplied by metrolyrics

Note to Self: Who Am I? pt. 1

The following is part one to a multi-part blog entry. Click here to read the introduction.

One thing that we all are subjected to is education. We each make our way through to high school and beyond. School is a great and terrible place--it gives us some of the most vivid memories of our lives, but also subjects us to an abundance of peer pressure. I never felt the push that most do to fit into a particular group. The thought of this recently got me to reflecting and asking myself why...

This can be attributed to two things. Either an oblivious nature or an effort to remain a non-conformist.

When I say "oblivious," I mean that perhaps I fit into a group without realizing it. Maybe I was a nerdy kid. Maybe I fit in with the Christian group. Maybe I was one of the outcasts. This is unlikely, however, as I had befriended most of the people in the school. Most of my closest friends, in fact, weren't even friends with each other.

The other option, of course, is that I had some sort of innate ability to avoid following the crowd. I suppose it is possible that I had no desire to do as my peers were doing in fear that my life would become  a mere attempt at fitting in.

The truth is that both of these are valid speculations. I suspect that both are true to a point. I may have been grouped with the Christian kids, but in truth, I never had a need to fit in with that group either. Somehow, I think there is a missing piece to this puzzle... The picture just doesn't look quite complete.

Follow closely. Part two will be available Saturday, October 24th.

photo courtesy: wikipedia
Visit ...The Paper Bag blog

Subscribe to Cory's thoughts

Note to Self: Who Am I? intro

The following is the introduction to a multi-part blog entry. Please check back regularly for updates.

All my life I've been searching for something,

Something never comes never leads to nothing,

Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close...

Life is a new experience for each of us. You may think this is a stretch, but I feel differently. Every moment in each person's life is liminal; from second to second, nothing will ever be the same. The only true continuity between all our lives is this: the journey lasts our whole life through and is both personal and spiritual. The purpose of this journey is quite clear to me. We are all going through things of varying degrees of pain, happiness and neutrality to help us better answer the question, "Who am I?"

I am finally on the brink of adequately answering this question for myself. I have made it twenty-two years before such an answer was possible, but I feel each life experience--each heartbreak and each celebration--has brought me closer to understanding who, how and why I was made to be.

Through the next several entries, beginning Wednesday October 21st, you can read along as I explore my journey through rant, confession and revelation.

...Closer to the prize at the end of the rope.

lyrics by: foo fighters, supplied by: elyrics

Visit ...The Paper Bag blog

Subscribe to Cory's thoughts

Simplicity.

I spent a bit of time browsing through images this evening, I couldn't help but come back to the idea that life is complex today...

photo by:  armene

...Much more complex than it was intended. Or at least that's my best guess. People are forced to go this way and that, constantly running errands and trying to make up for lost time. Why is it that in this life you are expected to wake up and go work the majority of your waking hours until you retire--until you're too old to work? I just don't understand how simplicity was replaced by hustle and bustle.

Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity!  I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb-nail.  ~Henry David Thoreau

Dear [X],

How dare you come at me like that!
I've done nothing but try to be decent to you.
But you ditched me in favor of my best friend
And you have never cared for my well-being.
You are a deceitful little bitch.

Untitled

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a drink of cherry cola

I don't need to try to explain;
I just hold on tight
And if it happens again, I might move so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face of the human cannonball
That I need to, I want to

Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you
When I get to you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I would die to find out

I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for
But a look, and then a smell of perfume
It's like I'm down on the floor
And I don't know what I'm in for

Conversation has a time and place
In the interaction of a lover and a mate,
But the time of talking, using symbols, using words
Can be likened to a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat

Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you
When I get to you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I would die to find out

Oooooh yeah, oooh yeah

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a drink of cherry cola

I don't need to try to explain;
I just hold on tight
And if it happens again, I might move so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face of the human cannonball
That I need to, I want you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I would die to find out

So can we find out?

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I would die to find out

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out (I'd die to find out)
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you (ooh can we find out)
But, ooh I'd die to find out

Long Nights

I have the worst sleep schedule of my entire life at this point in time. I am just preparing to lay down. I have to be up by 9 or so.

I think it's because I like being able to be social with people during the day, but I also really enjoy alone time. I've never enjoyed alone time... What the hell?

One positive ramification is that I get to catch up on The Office. I've heard there's a lot going on in the storyline and I don't want to be behind on the times.

I really like my girlfriend. Like... A LOT. I think it's because I'm super stoked about it but she keeps me level-headed about things as well. When you read this, I want you to know how great I think you are.

Sleepless nights breed nonsense.

Go to sleep, CJ!

Ugh... My goodness! This project takes more energy out of you than you would expect. Learning all kinds of codes and everything just for something so unimportant to most people... I'm not getting paid, so a lot of people think I'm wasting my time.

Maybe one day it will look good on a resume... Also personal experiences/memories, FTW!